Sex After Baby: It Can Still Be Amazing, Trust Me!

Thursday, 02 April 2015 18:31 Written by  Published in Parenting Read 2850 times
Let's be real many new couples find having a consistent sex life in a relationship takes effort, especially for new parents.

In the Huffington Post article, The 20 Things I Learned About Sex After Baby, Dr. Trina Read shares that, " the days of spontaneous sex are over...at least for the next 18 years." 

Many feel the issues around this topic stem from some women (especially after children) making it seem like sex is a chore instead of something they really enjoy. There is the belief that women who don't enjoy having sex are usually sexually illiterate. Ouch! It's not meant to be harsh yet it's a reality for those who attempt sex with as much excitement as watching paint dry. It's humorous that sex is the one human act we can take pleasure in for free anytime, anyplace yet many rush through the act, bypass enjoying the finale to get back to their to-do list.

Throughout the article, Dr. Trina shares that her once a week attempt to get her sex life back on track after baby was a "gong show." She points out that, "for at least the first six months, it probably won't be the best sex of your life...or even close." The first 6 months after baby can indeed be very difficult. Parents are getting to know their little one, developing a new routine while striving to maintain their relationship and many moms are adjusting to their altered body image.

Some believe having a great sex life after baby takes more of an extraordinary effort. Now, that may be the perspective of some couples, but some see it as an opportunity to up the ante in their sex life while reaping other benefits.

Below are a list of some of my selected discoveries as well as points from Dr. Trina Read's article I've decided to highlight and elaborate on:

Variety is truly the spice of life. Like Samantha showed us in Sex and The City there are over 1001 different positions. There is no reason your bedroom life cannot be truly exciting. This means you have in your possession over 2 years worth of sex content for your bedroom. So, start seeking out new ways to turn it up and turn it out in the bedroom to keep it fresh. If you need recommendations on positions you can Google or visit www.sexinfo101.com for more info.

There will be fights over sex, even if you're having sex. I would like more explanation from Dr. Read on this point because my question would be when you're having sex what is there to fight about at that moment? I find couples who fight about having sex or lack of sex are seeking to control the situation instead of just going with the flow. Yes, you can go with the flow after baby. Yes, you do have a say still in your life. It doesn't have to be all about baby all the time. Truly, the couples fighting are usually disagreeing due to being controlling and analyzing every situation. I call it "headbunting" their way through the entire experience. Usually one is complaining that they are not getting enough or the other is complaining one is wanting too much. This requires discussion for both parties to come to a happy agreement to move forward.

Lose the baby weight. Sex is a great exercise especially for the mom who wants to exercise but can't always get outside due to inconsistencies with the baby's schedule. Plus, sex is a lot more exciting than taking a walk. Personally, I lost all of my baby weight in a matter of weeks after having baby by getting back to my regular sex routine when I was married. Don't believe me? Check out Fit Sex Club. It's a site dedicated to having great sex while getting fit. You can find the 1001 sex positions on here to jump start your sexual workout.

Sex is so much more than having intercourse. And in fact, at this juncture there needs to be more emphasis on intimacy rather than sex. Maybe I am greedy? I believe you can have both. I don't believe there needs to be more of a focus on intimacy than on physicality. Now, I am going to speak to the men on this one. This is usually a ploy that women attempt to trap men with because they don't want to partake in sex so they say things like "we need to have more intimacy." As a woman who's been there and done that, I've tested that we can make love and talk after having sex. Why talk after? The reason is most people are much happier after having sex (unless you're having bad sex) so it's much more of an enjoyable conversation for both parties after the fact. In fact, stats show that men are more vulnerable after sex and more likely to communicate than before sex. So, my recommendation to the gentlemen reading this article is to blow your women's mind during sex and commit to intimacy after. This way you get what you want and she gets what she wants. Happy, Happy, Happy! Or if you have a women who can't even show up sexually until she talks your face off, then cuddle with her, which gives you the opportunity to be silent then slowly shift into cuddling, foreplay and then into...you know the rest.

Whatever couple challenges you didn't resolve before baby, will ultimately be magnified once baby arrives...and it will affect a woman's will, want and desire for sex. I am in agreement with this point 100%. Having a baby is not a remedy to fix a problem that existed prior. How will it magnify the problems? Well, you are more tired due to lack of sleep, you have less self-care time, less quiet time with self and partner. All of those "less items" are emotional triggers for extra sensitivity which means when something does happen to aggravate you, you are more likely to go off. Sleep when the baby is sleeping if you can. Take time for yourself at least once a week and spend time with your partner. So that when nuisances do arise you are communicating your frustrations more effectively instead of reverting to being an emotional basket-case.

You need to get into the habit, or at the very least communicate about sex early. The longer you leave it, the longer it will sit between the two of you like the big white elephant in the room. My belief is that there is no elephant in the room. All this controlled communication leads to more indecisive decision making which directly cuts into SEX time. If you are married obviously you want to have sex unless you have a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage (unless due to a health reason) is not a marriage. You are rooming with a sibling. The only communication that needs to go on is..."the baby just went to sleep"...then you seize the moment. Personally, scheduling a date, time for sex is a killer for romance and spontaneity. Though scheduling may work for some couples, accept there is never going to be a so-called "perfect time." There are moments that can be seized if you prioritize your day properly. There are no excuses needed to be heard for spending time with your chosen loved one. If you value your relationship, you'll make the time.

Hopefully, you are inspired that you can still have amazing sex after baby! But like anything else it's your choice. Share your after baby sex experiences in the comments below. Don’t be shy ;)

Last modified on Tuesday, 11 October 2016 16:39
Janét Aizenstros

Janét Aizenstros is a Canadian media proprietor, author, talk show host, speaker, model, producer and globally recognized emotional intelligence advocate. She is a frequent sought-out contributor to HuffPost Live and CTV Canada AM. She has been featured on numerous media outlets internationally and interviewed some of the world’s most recognized celebrities such as Kristian Nairn, Keke Palmer, Brian McKnight, Larenz Tate and more.

From 2012 to 2013, Janét authored seven books in genres ranging from children to self-awareness. Her writings have appeared in numerous anthologies globally whilst her poetry has been recognized by the International Library of Poetry. Her children’s book series Why Mommy Loves can be found globally on all major book retailers and has been inducted in the Guelph Public Library archives along-side world renowned children’s author Robert Munsch. Also, she is a writer for Byblacks.com, Canada's top Afro-Canadian news site.

She has been selected as one of the Top 10 Inspiring Women in Canada by 29secrets.com for 2014. Listorious ranked Janét 5th on it's Top 50 Women in Social Media in 2012 amongst Martha Stewart and Arianna Huffington. She has been recognized for many awards including the 2013 - 2014 Shorty Awards which features the best entrepreneurs & celebrities in social media. In addition, Janét has been recognized by her hometown of Guelph for the prestigious YMCA-YWCA Woman of Distinction Award consecutively in 2013 and 2014.

Presently, Janét is the founder and Chief Executive Officer of Janét Aizenstros Omni Media Inc. (JAOM), a media platform dedicated to empowering women globally.

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