02 Mar 2016

    Addressing Deal Breakers When Dating

    A female friend of mine who always has a story and random rants inspired me to write on this topic.

    Here’s a rant she sent me sent me recently:

    So my mind starts to wander and I think “what about kids?” I'm 37 and I don't have any kids, I've never had an abortion or even a serious pregnancy scare.

    So I do sometimes wonder, what if I'm barren? I actually asked my doctor if I could do a test to find out. She told me they wouldn't do it unless I had been trying to conceive and had no luck.

    I guess I could lie since I haven't been on the pill for years, but then I'm faced with what if I take the test and it actually confirms that I'm barren????


    I’ve always been on the fence about having kids, mostly because I haven’t met anyone I want to have kids with. So it’s less about not wanting kids, then wanting to have kids with the right person.

    But if I take the test and find out I can’t have a kid how does that work in the dating world?

    Do I now have to reveal my barrenness on my online profile? “Oh and btw... I can't have kids so you don't have to worry about knocking me up, as soon as we decide to be exclusive we can take some and tests and officially be done with condoms!!!“

    wait...that's probably not a bad sales pitch... Ha ha I'm sorta joking....

    It's already hard enough to get a date that I like! I don't look my age but as soon as guys find out how old I am, they hear my clock ticking and realize that if they date me then they have to decide on kids relatively soon.

    Well that's what I imagine they think. If they don't, they should. Because it’s a hard reality that women have to think about it, but the saddest part is that they can take this info and decide not to deal with us and find a younger woman, but we don't have that choice.

    We're fighting our bodies’ natural progression. Sigh.

    So what have I learned?

    Don't forget your book when you have to take the subway ever again! 

    Rant done.

    I was like wow! That was random and funny… but really serious and really sad to think about the reality of it.

    She is right. Dating is hard enough without the dread of confessing that you do not want or cannot have children. When I asked her about why knowing would be so hard, she said “because I would have to reveal it while dating someone, early enough as to not waste either his or my time, and that narrows down the dating pool even more.”

    So the pain for her was not really in the fact that she couldn’t have kids but more in the reality of the effect it would have on her finding someone.

    When doing online dating on paid sites, you have the option of answering the Lifestyle question: Do you want children?

    I think it’s smart to answer this question to cut through the red tape of having to ask later.

    But what do you do when you don’t have the dating site to help you out? You meet someone through a friend or at the grocery store and you go on 2 or 3 dates.

    Is the 3rd date too soon to ask someone if they want kids? A lot of people consider the 3rd date the “sex date” so if it’s long enough to become intimate then shouldn’t it be asked before you do the dance that creates babies?

    Men tend to avoid this question as long as possible, and have made it hard for women to ask it, though it is a really important one.

    Women have been made to feel guilty or told they are nagging, which discourages them from asking this and other important questions because they don’t want to scare the guy off.

    But here is the thing ladies, if a question scares a guy off, let him go! He’s not for you. Yes this narrows your options, but isn’t that the point of dating?

    Men, start asking and answering these questions for yourself. The whole macho attitude of not talking about stuff, is dumb and hurting you more than anyone.

    How many guys have gotten caught-up because they “assumed” the woman they were dealing with was on the pill? They didn’t want to offend her by asking.

    Ladies how much time have you wasted dating a guy for months only to find out, he doesn’t want kids and you do? Or you don’t want kids and he does? Now you’re into each other and trying to compromise on your deal breakers.

    These are deal breakers, and conversations need to be had about them. Stop avoiding them.

    But don’t come off the bench asking them. Find out a little more about the person organically and see if you even like them first.

    I’ve been on a lot of first dates, but not a lot of 2nds and even less 3rds. Because if I know I’m not feeling anything on the first I’m not going to waste time.

    The hard and more in-depth questions come out on the 3rd date, because I know that if we’ve made it this far, I’m really into them and I should find out that important information.

    I would have a mature conversation. Let them know, “hey we’ve been dating for a bit and I like you and want to keep getting to you know, so I wanted us to share a couple things that are important to each of us.” I usually share first so it is more of a conversation and less of an interview. No one likes to feel they are being interviewed when on a date. Keep it conversational.

    Here are a couple things I would reveal and ask:

    Let them know your stance on kids.

    “I would like to have kids when I meet the person I choose to be with but if I don’t have kids, I will be ok with that too”
    Ask them “Do you see yourself getting married?”
    “I’m at the point in my life where I’m looking for a long term relationship…” and let them know what brought you to this point.

    Straight Shot No Chaser:
    These are all questions that should be addressed BEFORE sex. So if you put out on the first date (no judgment) then you better ask before you meet up. A lot of these answers can be revealed through conversation, but if there is something you want to know and it’s important to you, then ask.

    We started off the year fighting on social media with #WasteHisTime or #WasteHerTime. Some were funny but most were tragic and major reminders that we need to communicate better.

    “Your time can only be wasted by those you choose to give it to. Don’t give it away to just anyone.”


    The Professional Dater

    Read 4581 times Last modified on Wednesday, 02 March 2016 22:43
    (2 votes)
    The Professional Dater

    The professional dater. Why? Because being black and single in our late 30s means we've been dating FOREVER, so long that there should be an honorary masters degree for us. Here are some of our experiences, hopefully it will help someone learn something out there.

    Twitter: @TheProDater

    FB: TP Dater

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