Flip through the article titles of any women’s magazines as you wait to pay for your groceries or just spend a couple minutes on social media and you will get tons of mixed messages.

I watched a video called ‘I put myself out there all the time, why don't men approach me?’ and when I speak to female friends they complain that men aren’t assertive enough and it’s their job to make the first move.

So what I got from this is, men should approach women they find attractive wherever they see them, because they are just waiting for men to make the first move.

Right!?

Well…it’s not that simple. Because I remember watching and reading the comments under that video that went viral with the woman walking down the street, men complimenting her and trying to get her attention. She and all the countless others that reposted and shared it called it ‘Street Harassment’.

So what I got from that video is, men shouldn’t approach or compliment women they don’t know when out in public, because it is harassment and unwelcome.

Do you see what I mean?

How are men supposed to know how to act towards you when there are so many mixed messages?

Hell, how do you women know how to act with all these mixed messages?

Of course there isn’t a “one size fits all” solution. Different women have different beliefs. But through my research while working with women over the last 3 years, there is still this pull towards wanting the man to make the first move and pay for the first date.

But why?

Women have come so far in gaining their independence but when it comes to dating and expectations their growth has plateaued. Is it a fear of losing their independence? Or not being “feminine” if they make the first move?

If you ask a woman why she expects a man to approach her and pay for the first date, she’ll start spouting some nonsense about how she wants a traditional man who takes on that role.

Ok so to the women who want a traditional man; are you ready to be a traditional woman? Are you ok with him telling you what to wear, where you can and can’t go, not working and staying home to raise the kids? Because that’s what women ‘traditionally’ did in the relationship.

How are men supposed to know what you want when you keep changing the rules and expecting them to read your mind?

Women don’t want to approach and men don’t know what to do because they are scared and turned off at the same time at all the mixed signals they are receiving.

Here’s one thing I know: women want the fantasy.

They have created this imaginary man that doesn’t even exist. Most women actually have a list! Not a list that was created based on their experience but what they’ve been told they “deserve”.

This is what I regularly see on the “Perfect Man list”:

Taller than me
Why? What does his height have to do with who he is as a man?
I’ve even heard women say “I want a tall man so he can pick me up and toss me around like a doll.”

Let’s just address this. AGAIN, you want men to treat you like an object? Ohhh but only when it suits you…. mixed signals.

And since when does strength have anything to do with height? I know dudes that are 6’5 and can barely hold themselves up, and then other dudes that are 5’4 and can lift 2 women over their head at the same time.

Makes more money than me
Why? You’re so quick to tell everyone you make your own money, you pay your own rent, so why does his money matter? You want him to bring you up a level? Is this what’s happening? So he’s supposed to be ok with you tagging along?

He’s educated
Ok I don’t find this horrible, but it’s a broad statement. You want him more educated than you? Is his GED ok?

He’s a gentleman that holds the door open for me
Traditionally men held doors open because they felt women weren’t capable of doing it themselves and so they could walk behind the woman and check out her ass. Is this really a necessity in your life?

Can put it down in the bedroom
Ok I’ll give you this one. Physical attraction is important.

But the best part is after listing all these things their big strong imaginary man can do, they also add:

But he better not:
…tell me what to do
… tell me how to dress

Ladies I want you to put a stop to this nonsense. This list is coming from highly educated and accomplished women who feel they “deserve” a perfect man. No wonder you’re alone.

Like Spike Lee’s message at the end of all his movies. WAKE UP!!!

This is what you SHOULD have on your “man for me” list, especially if he is over 30:

Reliable
Responsible
Ambitious
Considerate
Has done or is doing some personal development
If he has kids, he takes care of them (not just financially)
Similar moral values

That’s it. THAT is the perfect man for any woman. These are the same characteristics that men are looking for. There are so many fat asses out there, yours is just a pit stop if you have nothing else to offer.

I’m tired of the complaining ladies. Take control of your dating lives. Stop waiting for someone to choose you. If that’s what you want then go on “The Bachelor” or “Flavour of Love” and do your best to get chosen.

Or you can stop complaining and put yourself out there. Men have been dealing with rejection forever! Yes it’s hard and sometimes it hurts but you just have to get back on your feet and keep trying.

Expect more than just a list of random superficial out-dated characteristics.

Better yet even, take out a piece a paper. Don’t read any further till you get that paper and pen (yes, you can use your tablet or phone…)
1. Make 2 columns.
2. In column 1, make a list of all the things that make you amazing.
3. Now in column 2 list all the qualities you want in your partner.
4. Then read both lists.
5. On your list circle all the things you would want your partner to have.
6. On your ideal partner list, circle all the qualities that you possess.

How many of those things match up?

If you don’t have very many traits circled you may need a hard shake to wake up. Your want list is probably a list of things you wish you had for yourself but you don’t. This puts a lot of pressure on anyone who wants to potentially date you. Is there anyone who can actually match up?

If you find that you have everything circled on both then you’re looking for someone equally matched with you, which is still a lot of pressure. You are unique, in a good way, so you’re not going to find someone exactly like you.

You want to have a couple of circles on each list; a balance.

Now this isn’t rocket science. It’s just my theory that it’s better to have someone that complements you, so you don’t lose yourself in the relationship.

Straight shot, no chaser:
Figure out what it is that you really want. So many women AND men, are “following fashion” and not thinking for themselves. Choosing a man for height is just as bad as choosing a woman for her weight, even though one of those can change over time, it’s still overly superficial and not what makes the man/woman.

So take a step back and look at your dating rules of what a woman/man should do on a date and throw them in the garbage!

When did you get these ideas in your head? Are they as outdated as baggy pants and cornrows? Start from scratch, try something different like dating a shorter guy or dating a woman with natural hair or dating a guy/woman with kids, whatever your hang-up…and maybe, just maybe if you try something different you’ll get a different result.