At the beginning of the year, you could scroll the twitter hashtag #WasteHisTime and find tons of women posting in retaliation about the guys who wanted to play but didn’t want to stay. They posted about situations that have been done to them but turned the tables on the men so they could hopefully, see how bad it is. It’s both hilarious and extremely depressing how we treat each other.

In my opinion both the females #WasteHisTime and the males #FriendZones are fuelling this war of the sexes. Pitting men against women. But what is the prize other than pride? It’s problematic and we need to take a deeper look.

The Friend Zone

Male: George
Female: Sheryl

George likes Sheryl.

Sheryl knows George likes her, but Sheryl only really likes the attention George gives her. She doesn’t really like George or see herself dating him, but she’s trying to make herself like him because she knows he’s a good guy and doesn’t want anyone else to have him, just in case she can make herself like him more. Because he is the kind of guy that she should be dating.

George thinks that if he’s patient and shows her what an amazing guy he is, she’ll eventually come around.

So George comes running when Sheryl calls. He’s there when she needs a ride or is short on cash. He makes sure he watches her favourite shows so she will want to discuss them with her. But most importantly he makes sure he is there when another guy breaks her heart.

George is the “nice guy”, and he’s “super sweet” and unfortunately in the Friend Zone. He doesn’t realize it but he’s imprisoned there, most likely for life.

Waste His Time

Male: Dwayne
Female: Denise

Denise likes Dwayne.

Dwayne knows Denise likes him, but Denise only really likes Denise’s thick lips and big ass. Dwayne doesn’t see Denise as the “wifey’ type, but the sex is on point.

Denise thinks that if she’s patient and gives it to him really good, that Dwayne will evenly come around and make her his girl.

Denise woke up in January when Dwayne got a girlfriend. She found this out when he changed his Facebook status. So she posted on twitter “Tell him he’s the sexiest man you’ve ever met and no one can do it like him, then change your status to “in a relationship” #WasteHisTime.

Neither of these situations is better or worse than the other. The Dwayne’s and the Sheryl’s are the users and the George’s and Denise’s are the ones allowing themselves to be used.

Yes I said it, allowing themselves to be used. I have no doubt that there were signs in both of these situations that could have alerted Denise and George that they were being used.

George knew that Sheryl was seeing other dudes and only called him when she needed him. He choose to be that dude thinking he could change her.

And Denise, she probably hinted, dropped notes, maybe even blatantly asked him to be his woman, but he avoided or told her not yet, knowing that he wasn’t going to commit to her.

Straight Shot, no chaser:
If a man or woman wants you, they are going to be with you. The best you can do is let them know how you feel and if they say “let’s just be friends” or “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” believe them and move on with your love life.

Most of the time we avoid having these conversations because a) we don’t want to stop having sex with said person, b) we don’t want to face the reality of the situation or c) we are settling for what we can get in the meantime.

I’ve been in both situations User and Used. What is it that makes us want what we can’t have?
I’m sure Denise has a guy in the friend zone and that George is wasting some girls time while they wait for Dwayne and Sheryl.

Let’s start communicating. Figure out what you want, get to know yourself and then it will be easier to see and understand where you stand with others.

The Dwayne’s and Sheryl’s need to do the work too. So maybe they could learn to accept the love from Denise’s and George’s of the world. But they need to do that for themselves. It can’t be forced upon them, they have to come to the realization on their own.

Leaving them can sometimes help them realize what they are missing, but don’t leave to try to make them change. Leave so that you don’t waste your own time.

Love yourself like your life depends on it. As far as we know, we only live once. I aim to live in a world where love is not war or pain. Black love has taken a beating and we need to start over by learning to trust each other by opening the lines of communication. Love is too important not to fight for.

In love and communication,

The Professional Dater